Friday Expirimental Fiction!! (Part X) The Blogger Chick!!

~*~BLOGGER CHIC(K): OMGWTFPWNDBBQ~*~

Omg hi 2 u!! =P lol lst wknd r0xd (hehe nate u kno wut i mean) ogod I ws sooo duirnk olol. We HAVE 2 do it agin sum time :> IMHO pres. bush is a fuktard + is ewwsing Flox Nooz as HIS pwn PUPPIT!  wtf? thats like SO LAME GUSY! I mean common.  btw, O’Rightly is kinda a qtee am i rite??  OMG and that articlesd in the N.Y. Slimes?? I was SO liek tl;dr!!1!1  The MSM is ghei. No1 listbnes to them 4nym0r3  fgets they r the dead.  Bloggers ftw irl~ lolz, 2day is the day ;p im so xcited lolerskates.  SEE GUYS I TOLD YUO I WAS GOIN 2 DO IT. LMAO!!!!  Now ill be =)))) and not >< all the time imo~  I will post pics l8r.  (. Y .)

ps HotEmoGlasses37 needs to stfu you fuqing nub!  idc wut u say about me b/c i will deconstruct ur fase!

            »hotbloggerpunditbabe99[1]

“Honey are you talking on that ridiculous…what do you call it again?”

zomg its called a blog mom u ghei newb.

“Blog—yes!  What a silly name.  Aren’t you getting too old for that thing?”

w/e! im a citizen[2] journalist mom!

N[3] sighed and said, “Our little petit récit.  You wouldn’t know what to talk about without us.  You will work for us one day anyways dear.  Lets go get in the car.”

w/e

ghei_newb01 said:

Ok honey we are going to leave the soccer game at half time to get lunch before you go to the golf tournament so we can be at the band competition later.  I have a note here for you to give to your teacher so that he’ll let you out of the band competition 20 minutes early so we can make it to the College Forum on time, and we absolutely must spend only five minutes there, because we need to be at that new BUGS charity or whatever its called later today.  Oh and we need call the academic-councilor and consult with her about where you are going to spend the next six summers abroad and what you will be doing to put on your College apps.  I think you should spend some time in South America personally, but then again, Europe is very beautiful.  Especially Paris and Venice.  Oh and then we have to stop by the bookstore and get all your books to study for the SAT…Oh! Don’t forget to sign up tonight online for a SAT class—the deadline is only six months away so you have to hurry.  And we have to make sure to get to the pharmacy to get your Adderall[4] prescription refilled.

i dont wnat to do gay charity work, I h8 that crap.  i donut even care about eet.

“I know honey, no one does, but it looks good to the colleges.  Have you chosen your major yet?”

Eco…eeecco…how do u say it?  its the 1 tht makes u lots of $$$.

“Economics?”

yah. Econ > all. College is going to r00l with all the parteez and football gamse ^^

“Good choice, you can come to work for Flox News after you finish that major, just like your mother and I did.  Well, get an MBA first it will add to your power to command more money,” said Y. 

o rly?

“Yes really.  But be sure to take a few English classes, the ability to write is very important in the business world,” said Y.[5]

kk

olol I don’t kno wht else 2 take atm ;p

“I think you should be sure to take French, it will make you very sophisticated and in our globalized world it is very important for you to know more than one language” said N.

Y continued: “Like I said, be sure to take some English courses.  And Shakespeare is very witty—it comes in handy at cocktail[6] parties.  I’ve dazzled lots of people with this one: ‘Hell has hath no furry like a woman scorned.’  Oh! Oh! Another good one is ‘Friends, Romans, Countrymen lend me your ears!’  Quotes like that come in handy, say if you wanted to propose a toast or something.  People love stuff like that.”

thx info~

he  soujnds  rly smrat.

“You’ve always been very eloquent dear,” said N.

 

“Now you know where I got it from—oh, there is also an epic you absolutely must read…if only I could remember what it’s called.  I think it is called the……Deiliad, yes, that’s it.  I remember reading that book back in my college days; it nobly portrays Roman life and there is much in it that is still of value today.  You can learn a lot from books like that, it’s a shame people don’t read much anymore.  And none of them can write; good God, colleges these days, they just let anyone in anymore.  College is the new high school.”

 (\/)

 ( ‘;’ )

(‘’)(‘’)

“Don’t you have a big report due soon Y?[7]  How many pages is it up to at this point?” N asked.

Y grimaced as he answered: “Nah, I passed that damn thing off; it was taking too much time and was such a bore.  I’ll let someone else write all that bullshit.  I have no idea how I would even go about organizing it.  I wasn’t even sure how to start it; shouldn’t matter too much, it’s just a bunch of stupid graphs and captions. I haven’t written anything my entire career except for some memos, headings, and captions for pie charts and they still promoted me right on up the corporate ladder.”

btw im hungary.

“Eat one of those energy bars,” her mother said as she looked into the rear-view mirror.

No i want sum real breakfast.

“You didn’t eat this morning??”

…DUH? i had piano practice frO my recital tomorrow and im not supposed to eat anything b4 the surgery today, which sux. butts afaik a little snack wont hurt ;p

“What do you want to eat then?”

idk, nvm

/shrug

“We can stop by somewhere after we leave at half time.”

woot!

“Wait, what surgery?” said Y.

“The implants Y.  Remember I told you about it last week?”

“Yea right, while I was in the middle of video phone conferences with firms in New York, London, India, and Hong Kong, spending sixteen hours a night at the firm, and eating my meals sitting on the toilet, watching my watch, hoping to digest fast enough so that I wouldn’t have to force my crap back up my quivering ass-cheeks?  You told me during that week?” he paused, shaking his head and grimaced.  He looked at his daughter in the rear-view mirror.  “You’re only eleven years old, you aren’t even supposed to have those yet.  My God.”

Dad! aLL  ThE *s aNd FaMoUs WimiN hAvE tHeM d0n3. tHeN im GeTTinG mY nOsE AnD butt DoNe t00.  aLL tHe GuYs WiLl WaNt 4 pI3Ce 0f ThIs.  I’m in to havin sex I ain in to makin love/ so come give me a hug/Oooohhh yeah!  (>'-')> <(")> <('-'<)<(")> (>'-')>

“Oh God.  No way.  I’m canceling that surgery, you can forget about that.”

What!!?  ,,|,, o_O ,,|,,

“Oh Jesus Christ Y. It’s not a big deal; most of the girls are doing this now and its perfectly safe.  Stop being so inconsiderate—if she wants them she can have them.  You’re so out of touch with reality these days.”

u r old + out of touch

“Are you fucking kidding me?—”

:O

“Y!  Don’t cuss like that around your own daughter!”

“Don’t cu…she’s doing a pole dance in the backseat and I’m supposed to be concerned with my language?” He paused, shocked.  He lowered his head and released a heavy sigh, knuckled his eye then pressed hand to head and dragged it down his face, trying to wipe the weight off. “We’re here at the field.  We’ll continue this discussion after the game.”

idc fag~   T_T

The large SUV pulled into the parking lot and devoured two spaces.  The family tumbled out of the car onto the barren gravel parking lot, each member gazing about the new, strange, landscape.

“Odd, there’s no one here.” 

Just as Y completed the phrase, an old car pulled slowly into the parking lot, upsetting the gravel.  The car pulled into a spot just a space away from the hulking SUV and came to rest as a white cloud of dust slowly stretched up and around the car.

Coach!

A woman in windpants pulled herself out of the seat.  “Gee Y, was one space not enough for ya?” The coach cracked an uncomfortable smile to ease the nudge.

Y snickered: “Just taking what’s rightfully mine.” Y returned both the jab and the fake smile.  He continued: “Pretty hot out today isn’t it?”

“Yea, I think its supposed to get up into the upper 80s and maybe even the low nineties.”

“Kids better drink lots of water and stay hydrated then.”

“Yep.  Hey did you see the last couple minutes of that game last night?  It was incredible.”

/yawn

“Yea I wanted to watch most of the game but I was busy with work.  I was able to catch some of the highlights this morning though.  I couldn’t believe the comeback the other team made towards the close of the game.  That one player was on fire.”

“Yea I hope some of our players can catch fire today,” said N.

The Coach placed her hands on her hips, turned to N, and asked, “So what’s new with you toady?”

“Breast lift, permanent eyeliner, tummy tuck, facial implants in my cheeks and chin, injectables, buttock augmentation, rhinoplasty—a nose job—and implants.”

Mommy I want a rhinoplasticikily!

“I can’t believe this!” Y exclaimed.  “Is there anything left in you that’s not plastic? I mean my God N.”

“Yea you’re one to talk Mr. I drive my new Porsche to get my Viagra and Cialis prescriptions refilled before I rendezvous with our pool boy Edguardo.   Or should I call you ‘Dr. Hotstuff’ like you’re iHarmony profile says.  You’re not the only one who knows who to use the Internet.  Oh, and by the way, this mommasita loves to eat spicy Mexican.”

lol u got served.

As Y stood stunned, Coach spoke quickly: “Well, I guess she needs to stay pretty for the camera.” She tugged up on the waist of her wind pants and loosed an uneasy laugh.  “Look folks, I’m sorry but we’ve had to cancel the game—too many kids couldn’t make it.  Too many other things going on this Saturday it seems.  So I’ll see you all Monday for practice.”

My tits wont be healed by then coach~

The woman paused, quietly thanking God that she was wearing sunglasses.  “Well OK, you rest up then. See ya.” And with a brief wave to the trio, she jumped in her car and sped out to the exit of the lot, stopping the car briefly enough to smack open her glove compartment.  Fucked up parents and their fucked up kids.  The syringe rattled out of the box, coming to a rest slanted across the unlatched plastic tray.  What the…She had been clean since college, thought she had gotten rid of this dirty past.  Fuck it.  Its better this way.  Without further hesitation she snatched the needle and slammed it into her veins.  Coach slouched in a rediscovered euphoria and careened into traffic.

“I’ve had it, I’m leaving,” cried N.

D:

“Oh fine go ahead, I’ll just have a company limo come out here.”

Wtf gusy

/cry

but what about the surgery????

“What surgery?”

…my implants DUH. =/

“Uhh yea, do whatever.  I’ve got to get going, so you should grab a cab; better get some lunch and dinner too.  I’m not sure I’ll be home at all tonight, but I’ll try to check in with you later…maybe…”

---

[1] This name and the others in the mock entry above are widely regarded as slips; there is no reason that this name should have been left in place.  Another notion that is currently popular in some circles is that it was left on purpose, and that the text contains no “universal laws” but is rather a hodge-podge collection of small narratives arranged like a frayed or decaying tapestry.  A radical few have even gone as far as proposing that in some spots even the sentences and words have no universal laws either, and that the text in these sections touches on the “infinite possibilities of the abyss” though such readings are spurious at best.

[2] Citizen…more like, Sit-izen lolz~

[3] The MS has the name “Mrs. Loud” marked out.

[4] The greatest study aid of the 21^st century!

[5] In the MS, the name “Mr. Loud” has been crossed out.

[6] A cocktail, a cock and a tail

With cocks telling tales to tails

To get cocks in tails,

And tails telling cocks to cock their cocks for their tails,

A tell-tell sign of a tail telling a cocktale.

All tell tales at cocktails.

[7] The MS has “Trimalchio-Lite” crossed out, rather violently if the marks have anything to say about it.  Elsewhere in the MS the same character from this section is dubbed “Mr. Loud” as in the note above.