VERY AUTHORITATIVE LENIENT RULE SYSTEM WRITTEN AKIN TO A VERY VERY SERIOUS BINDING LEGAL CONTRACT: OR, THIS IS THE INTERNET, THIS IS SERIOUS BUSINESS. (NO JOKES ALLOWED EDITION)
After long, ponderous paragraphs in which many excellently expressed explications of my/your views and "thoughts" regarding the ribald behavior of other commentators' views and "thoughts" that will conflict with my/our own are deftly laid out, I then write a list of hyperserious rules which one should have en mente while engaging in the post-textual act of posting (even while texting or "txting"). In order to post a comment to this unsightly post-site, (ab)users and (non)frequent readers must adhere to this extremely draconian policy masquerading as a pliant, tolerant set of genteel guidelines expounded from a rational frame of mind willfully valorizing (and excluding a law of ludic (lawless) logic), upholding, and holding up the law of the gen(d)re :
1. You must not read this blog.
2. You must not be familiar with the topic you are commenting on.
3. Thou shalt troll.
4. Anonymity will be greatly appreciated.
5. Be a beautiful playboy model, not a fat trucker or hunchbacked academic masquerading as a beautiful playboy model.
6. Have a fluid, Protean identity.
7. Observe paradoxes; engage in dissemination; decenter heirarchico-hegemonical textual structures.
8. You must have the TV on.
9. You must be watching the "news."
10. You must do neither (8) nor (9).
11. You must do both (8) and (9) and neither (8) nor (9) yet (10) and (11), preferably simultaneously.
12. Engage in a multiplicity of styles. At once.
13. Nuncle Clause: use foul language, but language akin to the parliament of fowls and Learian foals will also be appreciated.
13. The Sciolism Clause: Use foul language, but we prefer you to also be using a thesaurus, wikipedia, and an online dictionary to increase the perspicacious gloss of your posts.
26.a. Disregard linearism.
14. You must have read less than one book of Literature* and no Philosophical texts. (No exceptions!)
15. Relatedly, you must have read a plethora of political "books," particularly those by celebrated blog "authors," and pundipshits with talk shows on cable networks, or talking heads who make many appearances on cable news shows.
16. Be naturally fractious or intractable, and vigorously engage in excoriating rants all across the vast demesne of the internet.
17. Have many opinions and little knowledge. (In fact, no knowledge is preferable, but we are not fond of ideals!)
18. Your wit must be a tedious mimetic exercise of The Daily Show and Stephen Colbert, gleaned from assiduous viewing of those mercurial pensuers. Man those guys are hilarious.
19. You must be wearing a skinny tie.
20. Glasses make you look smarter, even on the internet.
21. txting 1 sec plz
22. You must be following all your favorite "celebz" lol on teh twitterz.
23. Be promoting your personal brand generally, or some god awful "new book" you have just "written."
24. Once I save up enough $$$ I'm moving to my own dot com.
25. Don't ever let them prove you wrong.
26. How many times has bad satire on the behavior of the internet been written? +1
27. Jersey Shore mentioned, to sucker bots. The Hot TV Clause. (Subject to change.)
28. Sex in the City 2. Iron man 2. The Hot Movie Clause. (Subject to change.)
29. There will be frequent and superfluous bannings.
30. Those who are banned will be allowed back under only after a huge apology that satisfies my/our wild egomania
31. No one on the internet has an attention span this long.
32. Be enrolled in a creative writing program (oh yea, the MFA will get you published!)
*not to worry; if you have read J.M. Coetzee, Maya Angelou, any american fiction or poetry, or are enrolled in a creative writing program you are still safe and even encouraged to post!
