“SPECTACULAR!”
The Flocks News building was the tallest in the city; many who tried to look up at it from the street swore it actually twisted up into the sky—with tinted black windows glimmering like serpent scales in the sunlight—at least until the upper region of the building was eclipsed in gritty black smog clouds. Above the foul ebony vapor tendrils that wrapped around the building, the sky was a mixture of toxic waste-dump green smeared with infected mucus yellow. Here even the Sun was sick. In this toxic atmosphere, a group of executives sat down in their boardroom to examine an application for a new anchor; and while they were doing that, the never-false accountants were busy upholding the companies ethical culture of honesty, excellence, and innovation by correcting financial errors to keep their benevolent executives out of jail for giving away too much money to charities.
“OK gentlemen, let’s get right to it—the new anchor position is going to this…lady. Why? Well let me begin: she’s part African American, Hispanic, Asian, American Indian, Arab, and Anglo Saxon.”
“Amazing.”
“Incredible!”
“Spectacular!”
“Wait there’s more.”
“Lets have it then.”
“She’s even handicapped. Lost one leg to an SUV.”
“We’ll identify with everyone simply through one person!”
"No more lawsuites!"
"No more lawsuites!"
“OK. Gender?”
“…She’s got both.”
“What!? I can’t believe that!”
“My God this is brilliant!”
“She’s got it all!”
“Spectacular!”
“Education?”
“Who cares, she could go anywhere with those skills.”
“True, I bet every top school was after her…him…it…”
“What are we waiting for, call down to HR and tell them to notify the candidate that…he, she, it is accepted.”
“What a dream: being able to have a person identify with all races and genders at once. Our viewership and ratings are going to skyrocket.”
“And lets get her started on a book, dig up one of our ghost writers. Make sure the little bastard writes it so it can easily be converted to a movie and go ahead and call some of our contacts in the movie industry. Damn, a story about a one legged, African American, Hispanic, Asian, American Indian, Arab, Anglo Saxon hermaphrodite who through hard work and dedication both in life and school rises to become the world’s leading news anchor is a New York Slimes Best Seller and blockbuster hit!”
“It could win all the of awards.”
“Damn right. Everyone’s life is a fascinating story.”
“Especially if you inflate it.”
“Man this lady-man-man-lady is genius!”
“Get some other companies on the phone for strategic product placement in the film, I’m sure they’ll all be interested. I’m thinking soft drink corporations, underwear, clothing, fast food chains, car companies…should do the trick.”
“I concur.”
“Absolutely.”
“Agree completely.”
“Spectacular!”
“OK. Now…this government Equal Opportunity Quota Report is in. We are seriously lacking in some areas and we have too much of a thing in others. So first up, we have too many people with the last name “Smith” and the first name “John.” Some of these John Smith’s have got to go—the John Smith factor is killing our success potential.”
“I’ve got at least 5 on the 30th floor that I am cognizant of.”
“Jesus Christ…Five on one floor? It’s a miracle we haven’t gone out of business! I want those Smith’s gone before lunch!”
“Oh my…! My name is John Smith!”
“Get the hell outta here!!”
“You bastard!”
“You bastard.”
“I knew we were slowing down because of you.”
“But I’ve been here since day one of this company!”
“And now you have to be out by lunch.”
“I’ve got some more Smiths too—at least 20 spread across floors 16-28 and I’ve seen some slinking around on the 67th. Consider them gone sir.”
“Think I’ve seen some around the 14th.”
“Can that whole god damned floor.”
“This is only the beginning gentlemen. The Equal Opportunity Quota Report says we need to increase marginalized executive employment by .03 percent. Too, they report our average age needs to be reduced as it ‘discriminates against younger employees by isolating them, making them feel disconsolate and like spokespersons for their age.’”
“How the hell are we supposed to increase marginalized executive population by .03 percent??”
“A baby!”
“Two birds with one stone!”
“Brilliant!”
“We’re already doing better with out those bastard Smiths!”
“The child will bring a whole new perspective to this company!”
“Spectacular!”
“Ok what else?”
“Right, lets get down to business. We’ve got spectacles to create and ideas to propagate. First off, blonde is out; by the end of this week the only thing I want to see on our anchors, commercials, and even billboards and advertisements we don’t own is long brown haired models.”
“Goes for pop-singers too sir?”
“Yes—as a matter of fact, go ahead and start rounding up some talent and throw ‘em in the gym for six weeks, assign them the necessary surgeries and lets get them an album.”
“We’re actually going to let them write it themselves this time?”
“Jesus Christ how long have you been here? That’s what the writers are for. We’ve got pop hits down to a formula; we’re not going to let some moron or group of morons with good looks, trendy clothing, and a surgically and digitally enhanced voice ruin our investment simply because they can’t think or write.”
“Got it.”
“Wait they’re just making an album, that’s it?”
“Initially. After its release, we will get the lead ‘singer’ a line of shoes, clothes line, perfume line, and underwear line.”
“Excellent.”
“Brilliant!”
“Spectacular!”
“Wait so are we focusing more on a dance group or a band? I say dance group or even just a solo personality.”
“We’ve been fronting dance groups and solo personalities for a while now, I think that market is saturated.”
“Right. Lets make it a ‘band.’ Kinda gives it more of an edge for the teenagers and college kids. We’ll just hybridize and diversify and front the solo personality as the lead singer, that way we don’t even have to come up with a genuine band name.”
“Ok then.”
“Sounds excellent.”
“We’re on a roll.”
“Spectacular!”
“Sir, I usually support you one hundred percent, but I’m not so sure about this whole brunette thing…”
“Its simple, it’s the same thing we’ve always done. Marketing blitzkrieg. Blast them with the image we want them to buy—make them consume it, stuff it down their little throats.”
“They always take it too, those idiots.”
“I’m not sure if they are idiots, or if they simply don’t have the time to ask questions anymore, and I don’t care.”
“We know them better than they know themselves—that’s the secret.”
“What about the movie?”
“Yea grab some dumb actor or actress to get it some publicity.”
“Why an actor1?”
“God newbie…”2
“Someone bring the gnub up to date later.”
“Alright, what do we have for news?”
“Soldiers are building schools now in Iraq
“Trash. Won’t sell. Are the terrorists blowing them up?”
“No, no reports of violence or threats.”
“Forget it then. Well, we could make it sound like they are getting threats. Yea lets inflate some numbers, death toll, wounded, and whatnot, and get some select shots from our archives with angered foreigners burning flags in a large crowd. Now that story has a chance.”
“Spectacular!”
“Where’s an Osama video when you need one?”
“Yea really…we’ll I guess I don’t mind too much as long as he gets another one out by the time sweeps come around.”
“We can only hope.”
“What else?”
“The Head-banging, we gotta cover that.”
“What the hell are you talking about? We barely survived the first round of that crap.”
“Yea but its so spectacular. Ok so that’s another story, we need more.”
“Celebrity trials.”
“Say no more, go with it. Round the clock coverage.”
“Kind of a related note, more and more celebrities with a massive age gap are dating now. It could be a trend worth exposing.”
“I love celebrities and the people love celebrities; find them at all costs and get an interview. Sounds like a good trend to create for a bit, I’m sure it will cause some shock, stir everyone up a little, get us some ratings.”
“I think some museum uncovered the actual Holy Grail during a dig.”
“Trash. Next.”
“There is a small antiwar movement in the South.”
“You mean the entire nation is against the war, OK, we can run that one.”
“The Democratic candidate for President is seems to be gaining in the polls with the people, and if she wins the primary, she could win against any Republican.”
“Mmmm no she isn’t and no one needs to know. The leading Republican has a clear edge and a victory is inevitable, we’ll go with that one. What else.”
“Is it lunch time yet?”
“No.”
“Next up. We need a slogan to get our brand out to more people. Maybe a younger, more hip demographic. And I want you all to keep in mind that this not a task. This is a journey.”
“Writers on their way up?”
“Yea.”
“Whatever we do, we can get the band to jazz up an old classic to play in the background of some ads, or intro to our shows and make it hip and trendy so people will remember our product.”
“Or we could just get the writers to make a new trendy song for the band to sing.” “Should have some sex, some of that too. I’m thinking girls shaking their asses in some clubs, shaking ass as they walk down the street, and shaking ass out by a giant pool. As many as possible in every shot.”
“Sex sells.”
“Sure does.”
“Great idea.”
“All for it.”
“Exploit those sluts for money!”
“Haha, no no, they are just using their assets to their benefit!”
“Haha, good one.”
“Heh, funny.”
“He always has the best jokes.”
“Spectacular!”
“Back on task. I mean lets continue the journey. We need a high powered, bleeding edge slogan. So lets here some.”
“Live richly.”
“—thus say the poor.”
“A most vacuous merchantism: it is drenched in fat merchant sweat, and has hot, filthy fingers, tacky gold necklaces, false gemstones, and mendacious grins.”
“Facially absurd.”
“As pathetic as it is uncreative.”
“I know! Uncommon Wisdom.”
“The very saying proves you have none.”
“A common statement from a common mind.”
“I’d be restrained by my sense of pity if only my sense of scent wasn’t so offended.”
“Ok I got one: The world puts its stock in us.”
“Wormèd nonsense.”
“Anemic.”
“Grasping.”
“There’s a great abyss in your little head.”
“Had a bath in Salmacis have we?”
“You’re a clumsy-lipped babbler, a hack-tongued mangler! Leave language be, she never injured you!”
“Incredible. With such little wit you do such great damage.”
“How about this one: Integrity. Excellence. Innovation.”
“Did you say something just now? I know I saw your lips move, but—no sound.”
“Needs more Latin.”
“You birth the most hideous backside nonsense and inflate it with sticky, hot, rancid, southern-cheek’d air.”
“I got it! Our Praise of the Written Word.”
“A phrase like that is so rancid even the nostrils of a most sulphurous devil quiver; for sure, its origins could neither be heavenly nor chthonic; the one too beautiful and the other not frightening enough. What then, have the heavens been unordered? Where is the new Hell that this stench flows from? Where, this new low?”
“Ok I got one! World-class worldwide.”
“You think so much of gold but can’t find it in yourself. Buy! Buy! Give the philosophers more to laugh at. How many of their grins are at your expense?” 3
“You will go barefoot before long; not as a virtuous wise man or divine muse-dancer, but as a wretch, a ragman, condemned by all with fiery glares.”
“You are a fortress of ignorance. All attacks by the generals of knowledge are repulsed by your walls; but which is the greater feat: that you built such walls through idleness or that the greatest of men cannot breach them?”
“This can be said of all so far: you try to fly without wings, and though you use the tallest mountain peaks to jump from you simply lengthen the fall rather than heighten the ascent. No springs of wisdom lie in your dark, hollow caves; no warrior-virtue rides trumpet-blown wind to announce itself through your actions; you are like delusional beggars, digging through dumpsters and overturned trashcans with shaky eyes and false beggar-grins, jumping with beggar-glee when you find rotten, slimed food that you mistake for gold. Is it any surprise that this beggar-digging always leads to fool’s gold?”
“Oh Jesus Christ get these guys outta here, we’re getting eaten alive.”
“Get the hell out!”
“Man those guys are annoying.”
“Worthless bastards.”
“They think they’re so smart but they’ve got nothing to show for it.”
“I bet they wouldn’t even like the ass joke.”
“So…anyone got anymore ideas?”
“Lets call it a day and go play some golf.”
“What a great sport.”
“Yea I’m getting 128 million regardless of what happens, I could give a god damn.”
“My thoughts exactly.”
“Lets take the company jet too.”
“And some hot models.”
“I fully support this resolution.”
“I concur.”
“Spectacular!”
“Wait! the kid exec—he’s trying to say something.”
“Everyone listen.”
“…noobisimo!”
“It’s hip.”
“It’s trendy.”
“It’s uncommon wisdom!”
“It’s world-class worldwide!”
“It’s brilliant!”
“I’m lovin’ it!”
“Just do it.”
“Spectacular!”
1 “What does an actor do?”
“He acts.”
“More specifically.”
“I’m not sure.”
“Wouldn’t you agree that most acting now relies on speaking?”
“Yes.”
“And when an actor speaks—are the lines his own or are they usually written by someone else?”
“Written by someone else of course.”
“So the actor’s words are not his own?”
“No, they are not.”
“Excellent. But these words surely belong to someone?”
“They must.”
“Could we say they belong to the writer?”
“Yes.”
“So if the words belong to the writer, how do you suppose they get into the mouth of an actor? Would you say that the writer must put them there?”
“Yes.”
“And when they speak with words put in their mouths, do they do so convincingly, do you believe what they say, or do you seldom believe what they say?”
“I believe what they say, they are most convincing.”
“Now words convey thoughts, do you think this is true or am I wrong to believe such a thing?”
“What you have said is true.”
“So we can say that not only do an actor’s words not belong to him, but neither do his thoughts?”
“Sure.”
“Now, what would you call a person who owns neither their thoughts nor their words?”
“I’m not sure. What?”
“Would you agree that a creature with no humor is called humorless?”
“Yes.”
“And a creature with no arms, armless?”
“Yes.”
“And a creature with no legs, besides a bad argument, might we call it legless?”
“Yes.”
“And a creature with no head, headless?”
“Yes.”
“And a person with no thoughts, we could call thoughtless?”
“Yes.”
“You are an excellent executive. And if that person has no words, then what could we call that person?”
“Wordless.”
“And people who are wordless, can they speak?”
“How could they? They have no words.”
“You’re right. People who are wordless, cannot speak; don’t we have a name for that? Don’t we call them dumb?”
“Yes, they are called dumb.”
“So it seems that actors are both thoughtless and dumb.”
“What you have said is the truth.”
“So if actors are thoughtless and dumb, wouldn’t they be the perfect group for us to use to speak with our words and think our thoughts and since they are convincing when they speak words that are not their own and think thoughts that are not their own, and the people are infatuated with them and will listen to them, well then, don’t they propagate our thoughts even though it appears that the thoughts are their own?”
“You have spoken well.”
“But are we the only group that uses actors in this manner?”
“I doubt it.”
“And you should. Couldn’t any group or organization use them, or others like them in this manner? Or don’t you suppose that there are many more people who are thoughtless and dumb, just like actors, or are actors the only people who are thoughtless and dumb? ”
“Surely actors are not the only people who are thoughtless and dumb. I’m with you comrade, many people are actors and are thoughtless and dumb.”
2 Expanded History of the word "Newbie": The MMORPG Context
Pronunciation: 'nü-bE, 'nyü-
Function: noun
Etymology: early 133t sp33k.
1 archaic: Beginner, Novice.
2:Moron
Growing up in the early '90s, the first online game I got to play was Diablo -- where there was a healthy amount of teens like me out to murder, plunder, and dishonor everyone I came into contact with, and of course the 35 year old guy living in his basement who felt like injecting morality into virtual life usually under the righteous paladin image. The image of the noble paladin would quickly expire in the MMORPG community, as calling someone a "fucking roleplayer" was almost as bad as a "fucking newbie." Anyways, there were also an abundance of college kids playing Diablo -- mostly to mess around with Assembly (ASM), (to make God Mode, Res-Kill, Ear Creation, and Duping and a host of other shit I can't remember) propagate their .dats, and play with various flooding techniques that would nail Blizzard's Servers. If you were not a member of these elite Diablo Technomancers (Enigma, BoBa FeTT, TechWarrior, Levi) then you most likely used WinNuke to settle your channel disputes or kick other clans out of their channels, and the .dats provided by the great hax0rs to kill victims.
Not all of us PKs cheated or used .dats to kill people, but that’s a different story.
In Diablo the first place I ever heard the word newbie was in the channel Bounty Hunters, where the hacking college kids would aggregate from time to time. BoBa FeTT was there pretty regularly I think (though I did hear at one point he was a 16 year old aussie). People were trying to figure out how to make their own hacks, and just “letting the text fly,” asking questions without doing any research what so ever (there was no Google at this point, but I remember Alta Vista being big, and also Yahoo and Lycos), and every now and then one of the notable hackers would preface a statement with "Look newbie..." I never used it as an insult, it seemed to lack the verbal pyrotechnics that I relied on to inflame opponents, sucker people into "honest" duels (removing God Mode), or just to damage their ego.
It was not until I went into Ultima Online that the term "newbie" really started to be used in force (and it kept that spelling for most of the time, it wasn't until about 1999 that the "l33t sp34k" spellings of j00, newb, n00b, etc permeated the online circle I was involved in). Even at this point it wasn't employed all that often, as being a "roleplayer" was the more common phrase to express someone's inexperience (because you weren't jaded as shit with four other characters that were 4-5x GMs). But as more people realized that the same guys they were fighting alongside with against the evil Dread Lords were just as likely to loot their corpse as the Player Killers were, the more people made Player Killer Alts and their disdain for newcomers (un-jaded and trying to roleplay the Noble Lord) increased. So in the "virtual context of my cyber-youth" "fucking newbies" were as bad as "fucking roleplayers." Of course there were still some good guys who roleplayed well, and PvP'd well (Chris the Avatar comes to mind); but overall roleplaying was looked down upon as naive, and the people who participated in it, skill-less. I lament the loss of roleplaying though really, there were some great personalities that flowed from it and the practice enriched the community; now all we are left with is "fucking n00bs" who join the MMORPG community hurling gangsta slang and leet 5peek all in one giant clusterfuck.
Then you have fucking EverQuest (EQ). MMORPG creativity DIED with this game. I can't discern whether or not everyone was jaded as hell by the time all the murdering, looting, raping, and shit talking of UO had concluded, or if a new generation of mmorpg players flooded the community and local communities around theU.S.
Pronunciation: 'nü-bE, 'nyü-
Function: noun
Etymology: early 133t sp33k.
1 archaic: Beginner, Novice.
2:
Growing up in the early '90s, the first online game I got to play was Diablo -- where there was a healthy amount of teens like me out to murder, plunder, and dishonor everyone I came into contact with, and of course the 35 year old guy living in his basement who felt like injecting morality into virtual life usually under the righteous paladin image. The image of the noble paladin would quickly expire in the MMORPG community, as calling someone a "fucking roleplayer" was almost as bad as a "fucking newbie." Anyways, there were also an abundance of college kids playing Diablo -- mostly to mess around with Assembly (ASM), (to make God Mode, Res-Kill, Ear Creation, and Duping and a host of other shit I can't remember) propagate their .dats, and play with various flooding techniques that would nail Blizzard's Servers. If you were not a member of these elite Diablo Technomancers (Enigma, BoBa FeTT, TechWarrior, Levi) then you most likely used WinNuke to settle your channel disputes or kick other clans out of their channels, and the .dats provided by the great hax0rs to kill victims.
Not all of us PKs cheated or used .dats to kill people, but that’s a different story.
In Diablo the first place I ever heard the word newbie was in the channel Bounty Hunters, where the hacking college kids would aggregate from time to time. BoBa FeTT was there pretty regularly I think (though I did hear at one point he was a 16 year old aussie). People were trying to figure out how to make their own hacks, and just “letting the text fly,” asking questions without doing any research what so ever (there was no Google at this point, but I remember Alta Vista being big, and also Yahoo and Lycos), and every now and then one of the notable hackers would preface a statement with "Look newbie..." I never used it as an insult, it seemed to lack the verbal pyrotechnics that I relied on to inflame opponents, sucker people into "honest" duels (removing God Mode), or just to damage their ego.
It was not until I went into Ultima Online that the term "newbie" really started to be used in force (and it kept that spelling for most of the time, it wasn't until about 1999 that the "l33t sp34k" spellings of j00, newb, n00b, etc permeated the online circle I was involved in). Even at this point it wasn't employed all that often, as being a "roleplayer" was the more common phrase to express someone's inexperience (because you weren't jaded as shit with four other characters that were 4-5x GMs). But as more people realized that the same guys they were fighting alongside with against the evil Dread Lords were just as likely to loot their corpse as the Player Killers were, the more people made Player Killer Alts and their disdain for newcomers (un-jaded and trying to roleplay the Noble Lord) increased. So in the "virtual context of my cyber-youth" "fucking newbies" were as bad as "fucking roleplayers." Of course there were still some good guys who roleplayed well, and PvP'd well (Chris the Avatar comes to mind); but overall roleplaying was looked down upon as naive, and the people who participated in it, skill-less. I lament the loss of roleplaying though really, there were some great personalities that flowed from it and the practice enriched the community; now all we are left with is "fucking n00bs" who join the MMORPG community hurling gangsta slang and leet 5peek all in one giant clusterfuck.
Then you have fucking EverQuest (EQ). MMORPG creativity DIED with this game. I can't discern whether or not everyone was jaded as hell by the time all the murdering, looting, raping, and shit talking of UO had concluded, or if a new generation of mmorpg players flooded the community and local communities around the
The upside of this turned out to be the tough-guy attitudes that all these players (IT worker, angsty teen, IT workers neglected wife) carried around, because when a tough guy dies in PvP online due to some lag, or because he dropped his daughter and had to pick her up (yea I’ve got a screenshot) or because he forgot to bring his pocket druid for thorns/regen/heals/sow/etc you know he’s going to have some angry things to say. Especially if you kill his wife who plays next to him. And bindpiont camp them. Afterall, he is the #1 pvpr, “biach.” I don’t see the need to go into much detail here, because if you have killed or trained just one person in EverQuest you know exactly the types of comical responses you get when a not-so-smart-but-very-angry-person-reaches-deep-down-for-an-insult-and-comes-up-with : “FCUKING N00B!!1”
3 There once was a merchant
Who acted like a dog:
He had to piss
On everything he saw;
And in that golden stream that came
Were golden letters that formed his name.
C H U M P
Was this merchant’s name
And with a yearn to urine did he spray his claim.
He went and wet on buildings tall
He alone enough urine for them all.
And because his piss did every building stain
The people loved him, and his source of fame
C H U M P
Was this merchants name
He loved his pissing wand so much
He outdid Midas in all his touch!
O Midas! Midas!
This Chump has trumped your stunts!
But you will have company now
With a pissing mutt!
C H U M P
Was this merchants name
His hair was terrible—an awful dew!
Because he pissed on his own head too!
He bought beautiful women, to bestow his gold on them,
But when his font produced a golden stream
Merchant and model loose a horrible scream.
For in filthy gold is true human nature seen.
Their life to many seems a dream
But a life of gold is quite obscene.
As to us brilliant few
We know better
And won’t give gold to you.
